Hope in the Desert

A couple weeks ago while taking a Good Friday hike with my kids, I found myself walking along the dry barren terrain reflecting on how much it must of resembled the rugged road that Christ walked while carrying his cross.  While I have struggled with the dry, parched earth on my hikes since living in Phoenix, I couldn't help but reflect on this particular day and how I had arrived at peace with the desert.  The desert makes you thirst, the desert makes you long for growth and surprisingly the desert offers a most spectacular backdrop for sunrises and sunsets, the opening and closing of a day.

On this day there was reflection, joy, sadness and joy again as our hearts sang out to Christ in worship and conversation. We reflected on the heartache that Christ suffered on this day and the price that was paid for our sin.  My son found two sticks in the form of a cross laying on the ground, my daughter picked up the rocks and made mention of Christ's being stoned for us.  As we sat on two large rocks and dug into the dry land, the desert was coming alive because the Holy Spirit was there. 

At the close of the hike, as my children ran ahead of me, there was a great excitement from my son as he yelled, "Mom, come over here. You will never believe what I found."  I honestly remember thinking that he had come across a snake skin or perhaps a dead animal of sorts.

I gazed from a distance at what seems to be a vivid color resting on the ground.  As I drew closer, it was quite clear it was something special. Tears filled my eyes as I looked upon this lovely flower situated in a most unique location.  My daughter squealed with delight, "mom, it's your favorite color!"   This flower was the only one we found that day and represented hope.   

Hope that growth takes place in the desert amongst the prickly cactus, rocks and dry earth and hope that God knows what his children delight in and provides that in the most creative ways.

Settled..

This word follows me around daily these past two years. This simple sign with the letters that spell out Settled sits simply at my sink (thank you Kristen for this tangible way to continue my wrestling's with this word), and because I spend much time at the sink and perhaps because I feel so unsettled in many ways in where God has me, I continue to ponder this word and pray through how it impacts my life daily.

For quite some time,  I had a false sense of being settled.  A cozy home, many friends, happy children and a happy conveniently interrupted life. I don't know how these things became more important than God but they did.  But in the past two years, a much deeper lesson of being Settled is taking root.  And today, as I read about Palm Sunday and prepare for the Holy Week with my children, I couldn't help but think that Christ was never settled in the false God's of this world (comfort, popularity, wealth, happiness, beauty and safety).  In fact, in a matter of not just a lifetime but his last week of life, he experienced friendship, betrayal, popularity, rejection, beauty and ugliness, feasting and hunger and ultimately life, death and life again. And while this is an obvious, simple reflection it is truly uncomfortable and painful to think about.  For many years, I was not settled in Christ alone but rather the comfort, beauty and happiness I created. Somehow I took what was beautiful and a gift from God and distorted them into my God.  It wasn't until they were taken away that I realized this.  This is so far from  Christ's  purpose for his people on this earth that it's painful and uncomfortable to reflect on this lately.  Christ walked this earth loved, hated, selfless, betrayed, beautiful, ugly, beaten and then ultimately killed.  He could not help but be Settled only in His father.

I know it is a gift to be stretched to such measure where all of idols surface, all pleasures, all expectations, all hopes of happiness and ease are laid at the foot of the cross.  Settled, yes, you drive me crazy, you make me cry, you make me angry, you make me question my faith, you make me want to justify ease and comfort but ultimately you are God's sweet reminder that I must set aside all else to rest and Settle in my Father. 

Adventures in Virgina

Thank you MeeMaw for sharing the love and adventures over the years with me and now my children. You have ignited a passion for history in my life and now in the lives of my children. I still pinch myself when I think of this trip and how surprisingly it felt like the vary trip I took for many years to visit you. From driving in the Mustang, playing tennis, riding the tandum bike to skipping down Duke of Gloster. Your love and hospitality has left a mark on our hearts and we are so very thankful.

Beach Day for a week....

One of the most memorable experiences for the kids and I over the years has been our Wednesday trip to the beach. Each summer Wednesday, the kids and I would pack up our car or sometimes someone elses car and drive a hour up the coast to spend the day enjoying digging in the sand, playing in the water and the conversation of friends. Now that we live in a beachless state, I was very sad that this wouldn't be part of our weekly routine. Gratefully, this past week we got almost a whole summer's worth of Wednesday beach days in with our friends. It was wonderful, extremely grateful!

6 Year Old Here!

Sun, rainbow cupcakes, SUN (oh I mentioned that), the BIGGEST WATERSLIDE KNOWN TO MAN (ordered by daddy who always goes big), lots of laughter, water balloons, water guns, slip in slides, snow cones to your hearts content, a petrified mom who was scared to death that the 6 year old's were going to be petrified of the BIGGEST WATERSLIDE KNOWN TO MAN and a sweet six year old girl clinging to her mom's leg during her birthday song! What a day!

June 19th

You are... patient, calm, a risk taker, unconditional lover, patient again, you share, you give, you cuddle, you love without hesitation, optimistic, trusting, romantic, a head itcher, a drinker of coffee with a lot of creamer, an adventurer, a listener, a multi-tasker, a planner, a researcher, a BBQer King, inventive, builder and constructor, hard worker, committed to God, your wife and family. Thank you love of my life for loving your family with all that you are! Happy 12 years of marriage and Happy Father's Day!

Happy 6th Birthday Sweet Girl!

Oh the joy to watch you grow! I can hardly believe you are 6 years old. You came on a beautifully overcast June morning (my favorite in June weather in Cali). You are spunky, fun loving, reluctant in new situations, need time to warm up, loving towards your brothers, always giving kisses and hugs to your family, my snuggle bug, night owl and lover of candy. Right now you: love doing cartwheels, drawing hearts and flowers, taking extra care of Silas, braiding hair, dancing and singing, snuggling with pink blankie each morning, love to stay up late, love your California Ray girls, playing with Ali, Jena and Sam and give the best hugs around. I love you sweet girl and thank our God for giving us such a delightful ray of sunshine!

Part 7

After a week of living in the casita, I was walking through Target picking up items for out "goodbye BBQ" the neighbors were throwing for us. And then I got a call, "Babe, they will let us buy the house with a loan, if we want it!"

I was floored, amazed, shocked and had no idea what this meant but we went for it. We even got to show up to "our good bye party" with the neighbors saying we were now staying. OH MY!!

Part 6

Moving into a Casita (one bedroom with a kitchenette) for most sounds like a fun adventure but this very tired mom of three was not thrilled at the idea. With two packed U-hauls and a husband driving an attached U-Haul on his truck everywhere, we were homeless. We were homeless and had no idea what we were supposed to do.

I questioned God tirelessly into the wee hours of the morning. Why? Why did you allow this God, why does nothing really make sense, why were doors open for us getting here and now they seemed to be closing, why after feeling a peace about our home and neighborhood after such sadness of leaving California was our home taken, Tim's job taken! Why God!

Tears came effortlessly at all moments of the day. I wandered the Target isle with Silas crying. I went to the grocery store crying, GOD WHY?

My heart was heavy for the kids. Titus and Tali were in their 3rd week of school, just barely getting into the swing of things. They have said good bye to their best friends in California and now said goodbye to the quickly made friends in the neighborhood. This wasn't making sense and though I pleaded with God to make it make sense, it didn't.

I had to write the kids teachers explaining our strange situation. This was humbling. I wrote Tali's teacher and appolagized for not having the proper color crayons for her homework. Titus needed folders from a store I couldn't seem to find. The little things were becoming mountains to climb. Making lunches every morning, filling water bottles, planning dinner in a hotel, all so strange. I too spent every other day at the laundry mat, cleaning sweaty dirty clothes. But most pressing was the fact that my husband who had been promised a job a good job was no longer going to be working for this man and needed to figure out what he was going to do and how he was going to provide for his family. As much as I hated him for bringing us to Arizona, I was deeply burdened by the heartache and betrayal he had experienced.

So where were we to go from here? When goodbyes have been said, mourning the reality of leaving friends and a town I love had already started.... do we move back? Or do we stay in this foreign place that for whatever reason (only God knows) we ended up in this place. I wrestled with these things for many, many months.

My spiritual struggle teetered from doubts of God's hand in things, to anger with God for requiring that I support my husband, to questioning all the people who gave us counsel along the way that we should do this.
"God are you punishing us?"
"God were we not listening to you before we moved?"
"Did you not open the doors and close doors for us to be here though?"

Between the physical exhaustion, the heat, the emotional strain and the spiritual battles, I was so broken, so beside myself that for moments I surrendered my will and trusted God to be faithful.

Part 5

And then.... about 3 weeks into settling after hanging lights, putting in smoke alarms, changing the locks, hanging curtains.... We got the news.

I had just finished going to a workout at a local church. I had deeply enjoyed the girls, the time and maybe for the first time personally, I was starting to see a softening of my heart. I called Tim to share with him about my time at workout and he shared he needed to talk to me. Oh boy!

Apparently, the man who Tim was coming to work for, the man who promised a business allowance to buy a home, the man who verbally made numerous remarks of his excitement to call us family, the man who came to our farewell in Valencia, the man who had promised Tim a unique opportunity to work along side him DISAPPEARED. WHAT? Yes, his fiance at the time called Tim and shared he left her with an erased phone and computer and was not to be contacted. WHAT?

As Tim shared this with me, I remember going numb. Shaking, and getting really angry. I was angry with Tim, with God and really couldn't believe what I was hearing. I questioned if God was punishing us and why. Yes, I went down that road and gratefully was reminded by loving friends that our God is not punishing. NOW WHAT WERE WE GOING TO DO????

In a most gracious effort, our dear friends the Paschalls arrived from Orange County the next day, in the treacherous heat and started processing all of this information with us. We sat early Sat. afternoon and just talked everything out. Tim and I had already looked at rentals that morning. If you remember, we spend hours, days and countless efforts looking for a home a month prior and now we were back at it.

Carrie and I took the kids to the Children's Museum for 5 hours to get out of the heat. Danny and Tim hired packers and started the process. This was one of the longest days of my life. Even the events of the evening, playing by the pool and waiting until 10 at night for an open room continued to were me down. This was a tired, overwhelmed, sad, angry mom and wife.

It's in these moments you learn so much. So much! Dear friends who journey through these times are so amazingly displaying Jesus in their selflessness that you for moments lay aside all the sadness and are just in awe. Oh how thankful and forever grateful we are for you dear friends. You picked us up, held us up and and carried us when were too tired to go farther.

Part 4

In a short couple of weeks, we were settling into our home with our new school, neighbors and all the new surroundings. I was still a bit in shock but was seeing glimpses of God's gifts around us.



The sweet neighbor kids all had a hankering for snow cone and lemonade stands. And by the second day we were there, a stand was up (I distinctly remember crying in Valencia thinking Titus wouldn't have a stand ever in Arizona, surprised again).
One of the many surprises was the fun had in the irrigation water. I thought the boogie boards were done without beaches for hundreds of miles BUT no, they were perfect for the irrigation fun.
There were new trees to climb, and so much fun exploring on our acre + of land.
The house was getting unpacked.
We got to know neighbors and the sheer delight of monsoons in summer heat.
We got to know our cousins and the joy of living by them.
Four days after our trek across the 115 degree desert, these two kiddos started at a new school, wearing newly purchased uniforms, Tali shedding many tears and gripping me fiercy on the playground, ready for this new adventure whether we were ready or not.