I'm Running Away

I will come back today, I need some time away,
I am packing,
I will come back for school (0ver)I hope.
P.S. I "mite" stay.... I love you
Titus, yesterday was really tough! We both grew so much and I am so thankful. You taught me a lot, God used you to reveal my own sin. Thank you.....

It all started with a request while you were watching a show.
"Son, can you please run over to the Drotzman's and pick up 1 cup of brown sugar for my cookies?"
You replied, "No mom, I want to watch my show!"
Calmly I repeated, "Son, I am asking you to please help me and go get the brown sugar!"
"NO, I don't want to mom!"
This is that moment as a mom when you know the strong will of you son is pure sin and it needs to be looked at and disciplined (darn, hate these moments).
I again calmly respond, "Titus you have been given two chances to go and get the brown sugar. Now there will be consequences for not obeying."
You replied, "I don't care!"
OUCH!

Let me interject here that this is when I realized that I too am filled with the same strong will. Countless times God, my husband or a person needing something has requested me to stop what I am doing to help or even most recently, has asked me to go where I do not want to go. And often I have said, "No, that's not what I want to do!"

Being mindful of my own connection to this strong will, I realize that I need to make it clear to you that your sin has consequences. And that when I sin and disobey, God has consequences for me too. It is out of love that there are consequences...we need to learn something.

I end up telling you that you will have to miss part of the potluck and will have to show up late (it was just across the street). You start crying. You get angry. You say, "I don't care!" And again, I am looking dead center not just at your sin but reflecting on how I too have the same response at times.

Before we head to the potluck you proceed to tell me you are going to have to run away. And I tell you how that makes me sad but if you need to run away be sure to pack wisely, food, warm clothes for the night. I make it clear how much I love you and would miss you if you left.

Upon checking on you during the potluck, you leave these notes on the side door. I giggle and tear up. I know your tension to want to run from your sin. I know the tension far too well Titus.

Gratefully you don't run away. As we reflected in bed last night before you fell asleep, you asked for forgiveness. You told me your sin was ugly and didn't feel right and how it feels so much better now. You said, "I learned a big lesson today mom!"

And so did, I! Thank you for your humility Titus! I love seeing you grow! God continues to use you to reveal so much in my own life! It wasn't easy but it was all worth the beauty of seeing your repentant heart find joy in good over the evil. I love you my son!

Desert Place

It is probably not ironic to the Lord that He has brought our family to a desert state. It probably is not ironic to our Lord that this Northwest native, flower loving, tree hugging, mountain admiring girl is living in a dry, hot, prickly place. It probably isn't ironic to God that slowly in the desert, a new meaning of life and beauty is taking place.

The beauty has not come from the landscaping. No, I still find it to be quite barren for my liking but the beauty resides in my longing for Christ here. My longing and expectation for Heaven and the beauty that will some day overwhelm us. The desert reminds me that Heaven is the home I long for.

Being in this desert place, as it has done for many years past, for many of God's people, is a place where we long for something to quench the thirst. Slowly, the springs of water arise and slowly I thank God for the desert.

Isaiah 35
"The wilderness and the dry land shall be glad:
the desert shall rejoice and blossom like the crocus;
it shall blossom abundantly
and rejoice with joy and singing."

Kristen Ray

My Dear Kristen,
I hate not being able to start birthday week today with you in person! BUT never fear, as you already so gracefully accomplished in November with my birthday week, BIRTHDAY WEEK will begin today, with delivery form a bit different than years past.

I love that this week I get to reflect on the blessing you are in my life. I love that each day a little something gets to be presented to you that reflects who you are and the things you enjoy. I love being able to reflect on the huge gift you have been in my life these past 8 years.

Our friendship has weathered through some of life's most beautiful seasons as well as some of the hardest most heart wrenching ones as well. I treasure walking through those baby years with our first borns, when we thought getting to the grocery store was almost impossible, to the most beautiful joy of experiencing our growing families and the tremendous beauty that has developed through mothering the seconds, thirds and now for you sweet #4! I love that with you when life is chaotic, we laugh! I love that when things don't go as planned we can vent to each other, I love that through the day to day I can come to you with any range of experiences and you are there to listen, laugh, cry, encourage and help carry any burden! You are selfless, generous, so thoughtful and have carried me through so many heart breaking moments over the years.

One of the most amazing moments that stands out to me (there are many) but this particular memory exemplifies your amazing heart and care in the deepest way for not only me but for Titus (your kinda son). Upon returning from my sister's wedding this summer, having to make another trip to Arizona to find a home, you pick me up from the airport and drive me home. You know where I am going right...... we arrive to my house and make our way to the kitchen and I begin commenting on how much our lizard "Ms. Debbie," has grown so! I will never forget glancing over to you and seeing a look of concern on your face as you immediately new that something wasn't right with the lizard. I start freaking out... in fact feel numb, faint and feeling like I can't breath!

You know this isn't because I care much about the lizard but because the little boy that loves this little lizard is going to be broken to pieces when he finds out his lizard is dead. You know, that I am so exhausted and emotionally depleted from the preparations of moving that this little thing is almost more than I can handle...

Then you do something that I truly was amazed by! While I am weeping on the couch, you quickly assure me that you can handle this. The dead lizard which already smells terrible, the cage that is grotesque is all of a sudden in your arms walking down our long hallway and placed in the trunk of you car. And then because you love my boy so much, you proceed to clean "Little Ms. Debbie up and place her in a shoe box with a special blanket (for Titus' sake). You loved me, and loved Titus in the most tangible way!

There are countless stories like these!

I thank you dear friend for our moments of silly and most ridiculous laughter, for letting me be part of your chaotic moments and for being part of mine, for loving my children in all their corks, for being my researcher, my nurse, the beautiful model of how to manage laundry and making meals, for being honest when I'm staring in the mirror at an outfit that I want to work but is a terrible match for me, for making our girls feel so special and beautiful when you braid their hair, for always being mindful of how you spend your money, for our wonderful adventurous girls trips with our sweet girls, for sharing your cupcake even when I won't, for the wonderfully crazy walks we used to take with all the kids, for the grace and understanding that conversations may not get completed but at least were started, for being willing to care and love even when it was exhausting and I didn't have much to give back!

You are beautiful friend! I love you Kray! Happy Birthday Week my friend!!

Bringing the Indoors, Out!

A beautiful sunny day, bringing Silas' room outdoors plus one happy boy (minus the few minutes that he was stepping on clover thistle balls) equals a fun day for mom and son! Oh, and learning how to edit photos... as seen by these three pictures, I am a total rookie!

The Heat

Upon reading from my favorite blog, aholyexperience.com, I am again like I am most days after reading and reflecting on Ann's insight, completely aware that God has used her (a woman whom I have never met) to bring light and encouragement when I most needed it and where I most needed it, in the fiery heat of my life.

Isaiah 48:10
"I have refined you, but not as silver is refined. Rather, i have refined you in the furnace."

Oh how life feels like a furnace. The heat presses in as I battle each day with the path God has put our family on. The heat presses hard, I long for an escape, long to be back where I was with those I love in California. Yet, here I am in a state that I have sworn I would never live (Arizona), struggling to understand a new people to relate with, longing for familiar friendships for myself and children and daily wondering how in the world we got here and should we stay?

The heat is pressing and somedays, like yesterday I looked for various ways to escape it. I pondered upon things lost, let the sadness, the fears, the loneliness seep into my heart and mind. Rather than seeing God's refining beauty from the heat, I saw darkness, unknowns, regrets, and a pure ugly mess seeping from my heart. My words of distrust towards God and my husband were harsh, my lack of patience with my children stirred anger, my lack of faith in God
got the best of me and the heat that refines became the heat that destroyed.

I suppose this can happen in the fiery furnace of God's refiners fire. Heat is not enjoyable. And were not for new graces and unconditional love I perhaps would have let the firery heat destroy. Thankfully God uses people like Ann to bring encouragement and hope for those weary of the fire. God is indeed reshaping and molding something new and though He has been given my mess to work with, He promises that it is His love for his children that allows this hard pressing to take place.

Hebrews 12. As a wife, mom and friend, I do pray that my weariness of the heat will not leave me destitute but rather refined. I pray children that the ugliness of my sin will point to God's refining and discipline and ultimately to God's great Grace and Love.

Hebrews 12
"Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you not forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as son?

My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord. Nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the ones He loves, and chastises every son whom he receives. If is for discipline the you have to endure. God is treating you as sons......

Therefore, lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight the paths for your feet, that what is lame may be put out of joint, but rather be healed. Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled."

Everyday the root of bitterness seeps in and everyday I need God's Grace, Love and Discipline to bring me through The Heat.

11 Months!! How Can it Be?

Smiles! You are all smiles, bubble blowing, waving bye bye, standing and taking 3 steps, crawling like a bear (so very fast), eating just about everything! In one month you start a whole new year! And though I want to trap you in this time and make it stand still, it is so very clear that you are ready for so many new adventures. The beginnings of embracing so many new things and freedoms. More stumbles and tumbles to come as well as countless joys.

Dance Like No Ones Around

Ms. Tali Grace dressed up for her "Fancy Nancy" Book Character Parade. A magical morning of sunlight, twirling endlessly and practicing her fancy manners! How can she almost be done with Kindergarden? It has gone by so fast. Thank you for inviting me to dance this morning.... your laughter and joy makes me want to dance. I thank God for the joy and delight you bring!