Part 2

As, the summer continued to move on, strangely life continued on in it's normal fashion. I remember thinking how odd it was to be living our day to day with people and places so familiar and yet knowing that shortly things would be very different.

Tim and I searched for a home all during the month of July. We visited Arizona twice, Tim actually made three trips. It was the dead of summer, I was nursing a little one and pumping to keep motherhood normal. Home after home we entered and it just didn't feel right. Finally, while Tim was on one of his trips without me, he settled on a rental. At this point, I was so exhausted, numb and unable to make one more decision so I it was perfect. And then of course it fell through. Tim and I were back on a plane looking for a home.

I will never forget the day we found our home. We had seen it weeks before for a lot more money, it was occupied and cluttered. Nathan said we should give it one last try. It was pouring down rain! Dark looming clouds and the smell of wet cement as I stepped out of the car. I walked into the house and started crying (again). This was the house! We were done looking, it was the one. I hadn't noticed many things about the house at the time and could never have imagined that it would house the memories of a babies first year, children playing endlessly in the yard, a mother's loneliness, a couples arguing, a place of peace and refuge. No, none of this could be imagined.

As we were exiting our driveway, two of our neighbors were gathered outside. I made Tim pull over (almost run them over) as I wanted to meet them and ask if there were kids in the area. Much to my surprise there were kids, lots of kids! My heart settled a minute and for a minute I gave thanks.

After gathering little information, I realized the local public school would not be the best for our kids. I started my research. Many schools were full! I had narrowed our possibilities down to 2 schools that the next day I would go look at and register for. I knew I wasn't going to be back over the next two weeks, so this was my time to get things done. I had one day!

Looking back at the crazy movement of events is almost painful BUT so necesary. God had closed doors only for others to be opened. God knew where my kids needed to be in school, He knew the neighborhood we needed to be in for this tough transition.

And though I fought it daily, and though I was angry with Tim for the move, I was aware that God was at least holding us up through all this.

In one weekend, our home was chosen, our kids school was chosen and we knew there were kids in the neighborhood. Now, I was going to be facing two crazy weeks of packing, saying goodbyes and doing my best to remind myself and the kids that God has us all in the palm of Hands, He would carry us through. I said this with much doubt, with much hesitation but realized I had to trust Him. I had to trust that God would not leave us through this.

Was my God big enough to handle all these details? Yes! Was I willing to move forward with faith and joy, No!

Gratefully, this story was not written by Tim or myself. Gratefully there was a God who desired to make the ugliest untrusting heart new. But I didn't know it yet.

Part 1...

It was about a year ago that Tim approached me and said we needed to talk about an opportunity. I was nursing little Silas, just under 3 months and my stomach sank into the ground. I wasn't ready for an opportunity, I didn't want to be part of an opportunity and so the new chapter was already beginning and I almost knew it the moment he said we needed to talk. I know my husband too well to know that adventure and risk are part of his being, he is just wired this way! So, I knew we were going to do this!

Strange, I thought that my plate was full at the time... a mom of now three children, in the midst of recovering from the c-section, being newly settled and enrolled in a new school for the children in the fall, weathering the storm of a broken church, moving forward from a lost investment that had caused a move two years prior and now something else. Something else!

Tears rolled down my face. They poured down my face actually! I pleaded with Tim, please not right now. Please can we just not pursue this right now! Tim steadfastly felt this was something he wanted to pursue. And so the division began, the heartache began, the misunderstanding began and boy I had no idea what was in store and all the craziness that would unfold from this opportunity. One thing I did know, I did not want to move. I did not want to be away from my dear friends. I did not want to be in a hot desert.

The decision to move was slowly slipping out of my hands. Tim felt strongly, as did I. As a Christian woman I toiled with this. I started pursuing conversations to help me get through this. Some woman said, he is the leader of the house therefor you need to follow his lead. Others said differently, and encouraged that Tim take some time to understand my perspective. Come what may, the decision had to be made and quickly. It was by far the most exhausting period of my life. Already lacking in sleep, depending on my friends for support, transitioning from our family of 4 to family of 5. How much more could I handle with this? I laugh now because what was in store was more than I ever imagined was even possible.

And so, daily I cried. I cried when I saw Kristen, I cried when my kids played with such ease with their friends at the park, I cried when I went to the grocery store that was so familiar, I cried when I drove past the hospital that all three of my children were born in, I cried and cried. The hormones of course aided this. I knew I was a bit more fragile than normal thanks to those crazy hormones. None the less they were there and they are part of bringing a child into the world. I was fighting this move with every ounce of my being. I was aware from the moment Tim brought it up, we were embarking on something new whether I liked it or not. Darn (other words and sentiments were used at the time)!

Crazy Beauty

As Tim and I spent the weekend in Maryland for Sarah's wedding many beautiful things came our way. It was the crazy beautiful stuff that makes you jump out of the car, dance in the rain and with the unabashed excitement of a child stand in wonder of God's gift in beauty. Today, as I reflect on the pre-rainbow events I'm reminded that the storm had to come, the rains had to crash upon the car, the wind had to blow and the sun had to also appear for this perfect picture. And I am keenly aware that the maker of this beauty is in the matter of making all things beautiful, refined, and redeemed but the storm must be part of this process.

Sweetness

A variety of sweetness for this mother's deep enjoyment! A never dying flower arrangement by Titus, poetry on Snuggling With Mom by Tali as well as a candy filled flower pot (that shouldn't really have a plant in it mom!), and a husband who is nuts about me! Oh the sweetness!

"What Do You Do While I'm At School"

Well Tali, you ask this question a lot. So, here is a little run down of some things that I do while you and Titus are at school. By the time you and Titus rush out the door for school a monster of dishes is often left (even though you put your dishes in the dishwasher), how is this? Then, I start a load of laundry and fold a load (if I'm on it), Silas and I go for a run, we come home and play, I hang any laundry that needs to be hung outside, and water the plants. Silas and I play more. Silas then goes down for a nap with his bottle (I love this snuggle time). I then have a bit of quiet time, I read my bible, journal, pray and hop on the internet to read blogs, facebook and just doing something mindless for a few minutes. Then it's off to clean either the bathrooms, mop the floors, dust or vacume (it's different each day). Most days I start dinner while Silas sleeps, it's just easier that way. I FINALLY shower, and Silas gets up and I make him lunch. We either head to the store for grocery's or run an errand if there is time. And at last, I pick you and Titus up. You know the rest from here.....homework, play, dinner, showers, reading, praying and singing and off to bed! :) Believe it or not the day fills up Tali Grace! :)

Oh So Many Questions.....

"Mom, I want to be baptized!" Titus, you have been asking us about this for months. I think it started a year ago when you were in the bath and starting crying over the fear of leaving us, the fear of not knowing God and going to hell. Over the year, I have begun to see your heart mature and grow.... you have embraced the beauty of forgiveness as you not only ask for it when you have done something hurtful or wrong but you extend forgiveness. I have begun to see you wrestle with so many good questions about our God. I have seen you share your faith with those who don't know Jesus. This year especially, you have had many questions about the beliefs of your dear Jewish friend, Avraham. You have shed tears for homeless, the orphans and have pleaded for us to look into adoption. Son, you are growing in so many ways.... As we pray about baptism and the perfect timing amongst your close friends, I will trust with you that God will reveal that to your daddy, you and myself.

Your latest questions:
Where is Jesus' physical body after he went to heaven to sit with God? How long was He on earth before he joined God in heaven? What is hell like, it must be really lonely! When God comes again to make the earth new, will people become Christians?

It has been wonderful to converse about these things Titus and look through the bible for the answers. "Hide these words in your heart son, so that you may not sin against them!" I pray Titus as you grow each day that you will Hide God's truths in your heart.

"I Never Want to Leave You Mama"

Tali, there are moments as your mom when I just can't believe that God has given you to be in your Daddy and my care. It is such a humbling and beautiful responsibility. When you spoke these precious words the other night with tears streaming down your face, I was even more humbled that God has given us you. We were laying in bed about to pray when you said, "I never want to leave you mama!" Your tears kept coming and you kept wiping them away like you didn't want me to see. My heart sank, the kind of sink that aches. I wanted the moment to last forever. This huge measure of goodness makes my cup overflow. I was so overwhelmed. Oh Tali Grace, I so wish I could have you all to myself for the rest of my life but how selfish that would be. I love you so Tali and because of that, one day I will have to say go... go sweet girl. And you will physically go and adventure and live in the fullness God has for you. Until then, I will treasure our sweet nightly talks, walks and all the wonderful things you bring to our day, knowing full well in due season you WILL want to leave and it will be a beautiful thing.