Oh So Many Questions.....

"Mom, I want to be baptized!" Titus, you have been asking us about this for months. I think it started a year ago when you were in the bath and starting crying over the fear of leaving us, the fear of not knowing God and going to hell. Over the year, I have begun to see your heart mature and grow.... you have embraced the beauty of forgiveness as you not only ask for it when you have done something hurtful or wrong but you extend forgiveness. I have begun to see you wrestle with so many good questions about our God. I have seen you share your faith with those who don't know Jesus. This year especially, you have had many questions about the beliefs of your dear Jewish friend, Avraham. You have shed tears for homeless, the orphans and have pleaded for us to look into adoption. Son, you are growing in so many ways.... As we pray about baptism and the perfect timing amongst your close friends, I will trust with you that God will reveal that to your daddy, you and myself.

Your latest questions:
Where is Jesus' physical body after he went to heaven to sit with God? How long was He on earth before he joined God in heaven? What is hell like, it must be really lonely! When God comes again to make the earth new, will people become Christians?

It has been wonderful to converse about these things Titus and look through the bible for the answers. "Hide these words in your heart son, so that you may not sin against them!" I pray Titus as you grow each day that you will Hide God's truths in your heart.

"I Never Want to Leave You Mama"

Tali, there are moments as your mom when I just can't believe that God has given you to be in your Daddy and my care. It is such a humbling and beautiful responsibility. When you spoke these precious words the other night with tears streaming down your face, I was even more humbled that God has given us you. We were laying in bed about to pray when you said, "I never want to leave you mama!" Your tears kept coming and you kept wiping them away like you didn't want me to see. My heart sank, the kind of sink that aches. I wanted the moment to last forever. This huge measure of goodness makes my cup overflow. I was so overwhelmed. Oh Tali Grace, I so wish I could have you all to myself for the rest of my life but how selfish that would be. I love you so Tali and because of that, one day I will have to say go... go sweet girl. And you will physically go and adventure and live in the fullness God has for you. Until then, I will treasure our sweet nightly talks, walks and all the wonderful things you bring to our day, knowing full well in due season you WILL want to leave and it will be a beautiful thing.

A Little Out of Place

I must be to long gone from the Northwest because when I happened upon this flower last week I couldn't think of it's name. Of course it comes to me a couple days ago, Floxglove. It's a Floxglove and they are all over the Northwest in the spring but not so much here in Phoenix.

These tall, brightly colored bells grow wildly on the sides of the road in the Northwest. I remember actually digging them from the side of the road to transplant in our yard growing up. Theft for sure! The budget didn't allow for many flower purchases so plucking them from one spot and placing them in our yard seemed harmless at the time.

Last week, when I found this flower, I remember thinking, "Poor thing is out of place, what in the world is it doing here!" Had it not been in the front of a sweet little old tea house, I would have been even more sympathetic. Ironically, I can completely relate with this wildflower. I often feel out of place and wonder, "what in the world are we doing here in Arizona?"

Today was one of those days. I don't know what hit me, but I went to get Silas out of the car to do grocery shopping and it occurred to me.... I feel alone here today. I feel completely out of place. Tears slid down my cheeks. There was not hiding them! I suppose one of the beauties of being in a new place where no one knows you, allows you the freedom to let the tears fall. In fact, I walked through the doors of Safeway with tears rolling down my face. Probably wouldn't have done that in Cali.

I was keenly aware that I was lonely. I longed for the short but sweet conversation with girlfriends dropping off the kids from school, the meaningful conversations with dear friends at the park as kids run around and play, laughter at the mishaps of the crazy before school morning, sharing with girlfriends the sweet conversations shared the previous night with Tali Grace over never wanting to leave home for college, or conversing about Titus' questions on baptism and all his 50 million other amazing insights. I longed for conversations seasoned with widsom on handling day to day issues as a mother.

In what has seemed to be the blink of an eye, I went from numerous conversations a day (so spoiled) and sweet friendship to very little in even a week. So the tears of loneliness dropped like buckets and I was ok with it!

Gratefully there is always perspective and as I strolled through the store with red puffy eyes, Silas babbled loudly to everyone who passed and I had brief moments of conversations with complete strangers. I then passed through the produce section and noticed an elderly man trying to pick out bananas. He seemed a little lost and I knew by looking in his eyes he was lonely. The real lonely. I got all teary again.

Loneliness makes me long for Jesus. I long for His filling of grace and love. I long for His perfect companionship. I also gain such perspective of the world around me and the deep loneliness that people without Jesus must feel. My loneliness lasts for a stroll in the supermarket but some have the pit of loneliness everyday and this is so very sad to me. I pray out of my own loneliness that I would be filled by Christ alone and hopefully just hopefully some measure of Christ would spill over into the lives of those around me that need the hope and peace found only in Christ. God is about growing beauty in the most unexplained places, uncomfortable places.

He Has Risen...

Silas' First Birthday Party

I can hardly believe it was a year ago that you entered the world, Silas Joshua! Reflecting back over the year is a little painful, I thought this year was going to look really different but God has something else planned. Even though the events of a move and missing people dear to my heart brings a sting, your life has brought much joy and goodness. I am so very grateful for God's perfect timing of bringing you to us one year ago.

I am so very thankful for our wonderfully simple, sunny, Sunday evening celebrating your life!

Little Man, Butter, Smilus, SILAS JOSHUA! You have completely captured all our hearts. Your bear crawling, drooling, smiling, pointing, walking, holding your golf club, watching the birds ways are so fun to be part of!

Job 37:14 Hear this, O Job; stop and consider the wondrous works of God...

Silas, God has used you to cause us each to stop and consider God's wondrous works. We love you with all our hearts. Thank you Lord for the joy Silas has showed us in some of the most unexplained, pressing and lonely times. His little life reminds each of us that your love and grace towards us can come in the singing of the birds, the smiles, the holding close and rested head on the shoulder, the playing on the floor with toys and so much more. We stop and consider your wondrous works.

Yellow Beauty

Tali, I love that you were so taken by the beauty of the yellow tree. It was wonderful to watch from behind at your discovery. You marveled at how beautiful and bright the yellow was, how it smelled so sweet. I love how you scooped up the yellow puff balls from the ground and wanted to save them to share with Titus and Daddy. I love our walks together!

From the Outside, Looking In

I don't know what it is that compels me to take pictures from the outside looking in..... but I have always loved looking through windows. When I go on runs, I am always curious and wonder what's inside. My favorite time to peak through window is in the evening when the lamps are all turned on. All of a sudden life looks calm, things feel safe and from the outside there is peace. I do know all too well, that the reality is not always so. From distance life appears safe, peaceful and lovely. But truly life isn't always like that and often enough real life is taking place behind those windows. And this in its own way is beautiful at moments or heartbreaking and ugly at other moments. The reality is that life doesn't always take place in the calm, safe, loveliness of life although I love when it does. But life often takes place when quarreling is loud, tears are shed and forgiveness is asked. Life often takes place when feelings have been hurt or sadness and lonliness seems to much to bear and hugs are given. Life often takes place in the laughter and frustration and in our home, most of the time it isn't quiet but rather loud. So, although I love looking from a distance in.... it doesn't always tell a true picture of what really goes on.

I'm Running Away

I will come back today, I need some time away,
I am packing,
I will come back for school (0ver)I hope.
P.S. I "mite" stay.... I love you
Titus, yesterday was really tough! We both grew so much and I am so thankful. You taught me a lot, God used you to reveal my own sin. Thank you.....

It all started with a request while you were watching a show.
"Son, can you please run over to the Drotzman's and pick up 1 cup of brown sugar for my cookies?"
You replied, "No mom, I want to watch my show!"
Calmly I repeated, "Son, I am asking you to please help me and go get the brown sugar!"
"NO, I don't want to mom!"
This is that moment as a mom when you know the strong will of you son is pure sin and it needs to be looked at and disciplined (darn, hate these moments).
I again calmly respond, "Titus you have been given two chances to go and get the brown sugar. Now there will be consequences for not obeying."
You replied, "I don't care!"
OUCH!

Let me interject here that this is when I realized that I too am filled with the same strong will. Countless times God, my husband or a person needing something has requested me to stop what I am doing to help or even most recently, has asked me to go where I do not want to go. And often I have said, "No, that's not what I want to do!"

Being mindful of my own connection to this strong will, I realize that I need to make it clear to you that your sin has consequences. And that when I sin and disobey, God has consequences for me too. It is out of love that there are consequences...we need to learn something.

I end up telling you that you will have to miss part of the potluck and will have to show up late (it was just across the street). You start crying. You get angry. You say, "I don't care!" And again, I am looking dead center not just at your sin but reflecting on how I too have the same response at times.

Before we head to the potluck you proceed to tell me you are going to have to run away. And I tell you how that makes me sad but if you need to run away be sure to pack wisely, food, warm clothes for the night. I make it clear how much I love you and would miss you if you left.

Upon checking on you during the potluck, you leave these notes on the side door. I giggle and tear up. I know your tension to want to run from your sin. I know the tension far too well Titus.

Gratefully you don't run away. As we reflected in bed last night before you fell asleep, you asked for forgiveness. You told me your sin was ugly and didn't feel right and how it feels so much better now. You said, "I learned a big lesson today mom!"

And so did, I! Thank you for your humility Titus! I love seeing you grow! God continues to use you to reveal so much in my own life! It wasn't easy but it was all worth the beauty of seeing your repentant heart find joy in good over the evil. I love you my son!