Part 5

And then.... about 3 weeks into settling after hanging lights, putting in smoke alarms, changing the locks, hanging curtains.... We got the news.

I had just finished going to a workout at a local church. I had deeply enjoyed the girls, the time and maybe for the first time personally, I was starting to see a softening of my heart. I called Tim to share with him about my time at workout and he shared he needed to talk to me. Oh boy!

Apparently, the man who Tim was coming to work for, the man who promised a business allowance to buy a home, the man who verbally made numerous remarks of his excitement to call us family, the man who came to our farewell in Valencia, the man who had promised Tim a unique opportunity to work along side him DISAPPEARED. WHAT? Yes, his fiance at the time called Tim and shared he left her with an erased phone and computer and was not to be contacted. WHAT?

As Tim shared this with me, I remember going numb. Shaking, and getting really angry. I was angry with Tim, with God and really couldn't believe what I was hearing. I questioned if God was punishing us and why. Yes, I went down that road and gratefully was reminded by loving friends that our God is not punishing. NOW WHAT WERE WE GOING TO DO????

In a most gracious effort, our dear friends the Paschalls arrived from Orange County the next day, in the treacherous heat and started processing all of this information with us. We sat early Sat. afternoon and just talked everything out. Tim and I had already looked at rentals that morning. If you remember, we spend hours, days and countless efforts looking for a home a month prior and now we were back at it.

Carrie and I took the kids to the Children's Museum for 5 hours to get out of the heat. Danny and Tim hired packers and started the process. This was one of the longest days of my life. Even the events of the evening, playing by the pool and waiting until 10 at night for an open room continued to were me down. This was a tired, overwhelmed, sad, angry mom and wife.

It's in these moments you learn so much. So much! Dear friends who journey through these times are so amazingly displaying Jesus in their selflessness that you for moments lay aside all the sadness and are just in awe. Oh how thankful and forever grateful we are for you dear friends. You picked us up, held us up and and carried us when were too tired to go farther.

Part 4

In a short couple of weeks, we were settling into our home with our new school, neighbors and all the new surroundings. I was still a bit in shock but was seeing glimpses of God's gifts around us.



The sweet neighbor kids all had a hankering for snow cone and lemonade stands. And by the second day we were there, a stand was up (I distinctly remember crying in Valencia thinking Titus wouldn't have a stand ever in Arizona, surprised again).
One of the many surprises was the fun had in the irrigation water. I thought the boogie boards were done without beaches for hundreds of miles BUT no, they were perfect for the irrigation fun.
There were new trees to climb, and so much fun exploring on our acre + of land.
The house was getting unpacked.
We got to know neighbors and the sheer delight of monsoons in summer heat.
We got to know our cousins and the joy of living by them.
Four days after our trek across the 115 degree desert, these two kiddos started at a new school, wearing newly purchased uniforms, Tali shedding many tears and gripping me fiercy on the playground, ready for this new adventure whether we were ready or not.

Part 3

And so, the packing began! I don't remember even putting things in boxes. There were little hearts to attend to, friends to give hugs to and the closing of a chapter that I wasn't ready to close. I had to stare longer at the hills that I once thought needed more green trees on them, I had to drive past the parks that my kids shared much joy and friendship riding there bikes at, I walked down the street to Kristen's and wondered how you bottle up the sweetness of walking to your dear friends house with such ease, I drove by the the hospital that the kids were born in a number of times and just stared at the building that at 3 significant times for the birth of my 3 babies represented so many emotions of fear, gratitude, sweetness, pain and joy, I told my favorite grocery store clerk that I was moving and got teary with her (even though she thought I was a nut). Strangely, I just wanted to say good bye and say it well. This place represented the heartache and loss of a buisness and home, the brokeness of a church body, the tears of a tired mom lonely new mom, the wanderings of a couple through the journey of marriage, as well as the beauty of learning so much richness in life, living simply, redemptive relationships, the overflowing of friendships, the beautiful golden hills, and the joy of roots with friendships, families, lots of families especially the ones that loved my children as their own and knew their corks but loved them anyway. The leaving and preparing for something new reminded me of how little I gave thanks for all that I had. Perhaps, a move was needed for various reasons. One was already so clear, I often didn't thank the Lord for my gifts and that is tragic. The giver of all life who deserves all praise and glory was not given what was due to Him and saying goodbye made me see this so clearly.

I'll never forget the evening we gathered at the park. I remember looking around at all the beautiful people around me. People who had cared for our family over the years. There were friendships that had represented pain but were now restored, friendships that had represented care and compassion, friendships that shared honest truths that even though painful were seasoned with love, so much richness oozed from this group of people. I was overwhelmed that we were loved by these people.

As we laughed and cried, I was aware that heaven must be just a small measure of this goodness. Tears began to flow as the goodbyes and hugs were passed around. It was dark, Jamie and Kristen were the only ones left with their families. The Ray girls were sobbing so loud and Kristen and I were convincing them that we would see each other soon but knowing full well that tomorrow we would wake up and not text each other to pick up the girls to play, knowing full well that I wouldn't be running an egg over for cookies, or we wouldn't be going for a walk to the donut shop with our clan of kids. It was sad. I was so very keenly aware that saying goodbye to people you live your day to day with everyday is hard, stings the heart hard, takes your breath away hard. Who would take my kids when I was sick? Who would bring fresh baked goodies over or extend laughter over the mornings mishaps?

I wish I could say that the next morning I arose and greeted this new adventure with excitement, support toward my husband and faith in God. I did not. Instead, I fought back every ounce of my being to talk kindly to my husband. The hard, angry heart was settling in and making itself at home. The drive was aweful! I cried, it was hot and I texted Tim the whole way how much I hated the fact that we had to move.

What in the world was God up to? Oh boy! I had no idea what was in store. I thought the desert drive was hot..... Well, the story gets more uncomfortable and unexplainable that I could have imagined.

Part 2

As, the summer continued to move on, strangely life continued on in it's normal fashion. I remember thinking how odd it was to be living our day to day with people and places so familiar and yet knowing that shortly things would be very different.

Tim and I searched for a home all during the month of July. We visited Arizona twice, Tim actually made three trips. It was the dead of summer, I was nursing a little one and pumping to keep motherhood normal. Home after home we entered and it just didn't feel right. Finally, while Tim was on one of his trips without me, he settled on a rental. At this point, I was so exhausted, numb and unable to make one more decision so I it was perfect. And then of course it fell through. Tim and I were back on a plane looking for a home.

I will never forget the day we found our home. We had seen it weeks before for a lot more money, it was occupied and cluttered. Nathan said we should give it one last try. It was pouring down rain! Dark looming clouds and the smell of wet cement as I stepped out of the car. I walked into the house and started crying (again). This was the house! We were done looking, it was the one. I hadn't noticed many things about the house at the time and could never have imagined that it would house the memories of a babies first year, children playing endlessly in the yard, a mother's loneliness, a couples arguing, a place of peace and refuge. No, none of this could be imagined.

As we were exiting our driveway, two of our neighbors were gathered outside. I made Tim pull over (almost run them over) as I wanted to meet them and ask if there were kids in the area. Much to my surprise there were kids, lots of kids! My heart settled a minute and for a minute I gave thanks.

After gathering little information, I realized the local public school would not be the best for our kids. I started my research. Many schools were full! I had narrowed our possibilities down to 2 schools that the next day I would go look at and register for. I knew I wasn't going to be back over the next two weeks, so this was my time to get things done. I had one day!

Looking back at the crazy movement of events is almost painful BUT so necesary. God had closed doors only for others to be opened. God knew where my kids needed to be in school, He knew the neighborhood we needed to be in for this tough transition.

And though I fought it daily, and though I was angry with Tim for the move, I was aware that God was at least holding us up through all this.

In one weekend, our home was chosen, our kids school was chosen and we knew there were kids in the neighborhood. Now, I was going to be facing two crazy weeks of packing, saying goodbyes and doing my best to remind myself and the kids that God has us all in the palm of Hands, He would carry us through. I said this with much doubt, with much hesitation but realized I had to trust Him. I had to trust that God would not leave us through this.

Was my God big enough to handle all these details? Yes! Was I willing to move forward with faith and joy, No!

Gratefully, this story was not written by Tim or myself. Gratefully there was a God who desired to make the ugliest untrusting heart new. But I didn't know it yet.

Part 1...

It was about a year ago that Tim approached me and said we needed to talk about an opportunity. I was nursing little Silas, just under 3 months and my stomach sank into the ground. I wasn't ready for an opportunity, I didn't want to be part of an opportunity and so the new chapter was already beginning and I almost knew it the moment he said we needed to talk. I know my husband too well to know that adventure and risk are part of his being, he is just wired this way! So, I knew we were going to do this!

Strange, I thought that my plate was full at the time... a mom of now three children, in the midst of recovering from the c-section, being newly settled and enrolled in a new school for the children in the fall, weathering the storm of a broken church, moving forward from a lost investment that had caused a move two years prior and now something else. Something else!

Tears rolled down my face. They poured down my face actually! I pleaded with Tim, please not right now. Please can we just not pursue this right now! Tim steadfastly felt this was something he wanted to pursue. And so the division began, the heartache began, the misunderstanding began and boy I had no idea what was in store and all the craziness that would unfold from this opportunity. One thing I did know, I did not want to move. I did not want to be away from my dear friends. I did not want to be in a hot desert.

The decision to move was slowly slipping out of my hands. Tim felt strongly, as did I. As a Christian woman I toiled with this. I started pursuing conversations to help me get through this. Some woman said, he is the leader of the house therefor you need to follow his lead. Others said differently, and encouraged that Tim take some time to understand my perspective. Come what may, the decision had to be made and quickly. It was by far the most exhausting period of my life. Already lacking in sleep, depending on my friends for support, transitioning from our family of 4 to family of 5. How much more could I handle with this? I laugh now because what was in store was more than I ever imagined was even possible.

And so, daily I cried. I cried when I saw Kristen, I cried when my kids played with such ease with their friends at the park, I cried when I went to the grocery store that was so familiar, I cried when I drove past the hospital that all three of my children were born in, I cried and cried. The hormones of course aided this. I knew I was a bit more fragile than normal thanks to those crazy hormones. None the less they were there and they are part of bringing a child into the world. I was fighting this move with every ounce of my being. I was aware from the moment Tim brought it up, we were embarking on something new whether I liked it or not. Darn (other words and sentiments were used at the time)!

Crazy Beauty

As Tim and I spent the weekend in Maryland for Sarah's wedding many beautiful things came our way. It was the crazy beautiful stuff that makes you jump out of the car, dance in the rain and with the unabashed excitement of a child stand in wonder of God's gift in beauty. Today, as I reflect on the pre-rainbow events I'm reminded that the storm had to come, the rains had to crash upon the car, the wind had to blow and the sun had to also appear for this perfect picture. And I am keenly aware that the maker of this beauty is in the matter of making all things beautiful, refined, and redeemed but the storm must be part of this process.

Sweetness

A variety of sweetness for this mother's deep enjoyment! A never dying flower arrangement by Titus, poetry on Snuggling With Mom by Tali as well as a candy filled flower pot (that shouldn't really have a plant in it mom!), and a husband who is nuts about me! Oh the sweetness!

"What Do You Do While I'm At School"

Well Tali, you ask this question a lot. So, here is a little run down of some things that I do while you and Titus are at school. By the time you and Titus rush out the door for school a monster of dishes is often left (even though you put your dishes in the dishwasher), how is this? Then, I start a load of laundry and fold a load (if I'm on it), Silas and I go for a run, we come home and play, I hang any laundry that needs to be hung outside, and water the plants. Silas and I play more. Silas then goes down for a nap with his bottle (I love this snuggle time). I then have a bit of quiet time, I read my bible, journal, pray and hop on the internet to read blogs, facebook and just doing something mindless for a few minutes. Then it's off to clean either the bathrooms, mop the floors, dust or vacume (it's different each day). Most days I start dinner while Silas sleeps, it's just easier that way. I FINALLY shower, and Silas gets up and I make him lunch. We either head to the store for grocery's or run an errand if there is time. And at last, I pick you and Titus up. You know the rest from here.....homework, play, dinner, showers, reading, praying and singing and off to bed! :) Believe it or not the day fills up Tali Grace! :)